THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. The one thing that we all have in common as human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that very moment.
15. No matter how many times you goof up, your friends love you anyway.
Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. The one thing that we all have in common as human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that very moment.
15. No matter how many times you goof up, your friends love you anyway.
Dave Barry
Things it Took Me 50 Years to Learn
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